tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post7177194910664064348..comments2024-03-15T17:06:31.642-05:00Comments on The Piety That Lies Between: A Progressive Christian Perspective: Twelve Steps to Maximizing Hostility and Bitterness in Your RelationshipsEric Reitanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06135739290199272992noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-27233264833490272662013-10-17T18:48:13.511-05:002013-10-17T18:48:13.511-05:00Excellent satirical skewering, reminiscent of the ...Excellent satirical skewering, reminiscent of the Screwtape Letters. Sadly, I have fallen into these steps far too many times over the years (and yes even now as a middle aged "progressive" Xian). Hard to get it out of your system when you have had parents that drilled that into you from an early age. This is something to be reread often because in the absurdity of this type of dysfunction, the lightbulb should go on to reshape the reptilian responses in our brains.shartehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13064917027989094980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-16829758995595967212011-09-01T00:45:05.763-05:002011-09-01T00:45:05.763-05:00I needed to read that. In a meeting on Monday I us...I needed to read that. In a meeting on Monday I used the word "always" and had to backtrack and apologize. Four of us in the meeting did make three difficult decisions without anything flying at anyone. Humans can accomplish great things even in small rooms in city hall buildings. As for the typos, who could type with children in the room at all? Commend yourself for that!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-15613439229686308742011-08-31T20:30:41.546-05:002011-08-31T20:30:41.546-05:00Apologies for all the typos in the last comment--m...Apologies for all the typos in the last comment--my children were keeping me company as I wrote...Eric Reitanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06135739290199272992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-79362348489571523542011-08-31T20:25:47.128-05:002011-08-31T20:25:47.128-05:00Anonymous,
It is very diffficult to offer concre...Anonymous, <br /><br />It is very diffficult to offer concrete advice without knowledge of the persons involved, the history of the relationship, the dynamic, etc. So what I can say in a blog post is at best very general.<br /><br />First, you say that the other party to the conflict has "an investment to continue." One way to undrstand this is that he is getting something from it...but the reality as I see it is that none of us ever get our deepest human needs met by perpetuating cycles of hostility. Some surface desire might be served--for an emotional rush (intense feeling can make us feel alive even if the feelings are negative), attention (even hostile attention is perceived as better than nothing), feeling powerful (even if it's the power to harm)--but the deeper human needs and interests go unmet.<br /><br />This is a tragic situation, and it is possible to feel compassion for those who are caught up in it even as we seek to keep ourselves safe from the often distructive effects. Sometimes severing the relationship altogether is the best way to meet one's needs--but if there are children involved, this may not be a real option. And in many cases severing all contact is not the best way to meet the needs of everyone involved in any event.<br /><br />What I can say, in the abstract, is that the "12 steps" listed here are a kind of opposite of a healthier approach to communications and conflict resolution that is both simple in theory and challenging in practice. The theory, in a few words, is this: Conflicts are resolved by identifying the needs and interests that all parties bring to the conflict, brainstorming solutions, and then collaboratively identifying the solutions that do the best job of meeting the most important needs and interests of everyone.<br /><br />But to do this, the parties to the conflict need to get past the patterns of attack and defense that prevent underlying needs from being identified and that poison the collaborative spirit that leads to creative solutions in which BOTH parties' needs are treated as relevant by BOTH. <br /><br />Here is where nonviolent communication comes into play. Again, the theory of such communication is simple, but the emotionally fraught human context and the old patterns we're habituated to make following the theory hard. In briefest terms, nonviolent communication involves speaking from a space of of self-disclosure--tell the other what is going on with you and invite them to take an interest in your feelings and needs by making requests (not demands) for what will make your life more wonderful. And it involves listening from a space of compassion, where what you listen FOR are the feelings and needs and requests that lie BEHIND the verbal attacks and demands. The links at the start of this post may be halpful for a deeper understanding.Eric Reitanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06135739290199272992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-83945561139097138352011-08-31T11:54:51.338-05:002011-08-31T11:54:51.338-05:00I would like to use this information wisely and nu...I would like to use this information wisely and nullify a toxic situation- how best can someone not get caught into this cycle- what do you do when the anger only escalates and the person who is attacking you has an investment to continue-i own getting caught up in it and it does play out- and this person is a father to your children. i would love a suggestion-Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-29180106478609720282011-08-30T18:36:42.853-05:002011-08-30T18:36:42.853-05:00Well that is deep thinking as its best!Well that is deep thinking as its best!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215077578479252542.post-60292111809033289372011-08-30T18:19:23.629-05:002011-08-30T18:19:23.629-05:00Hi Eric,
I enjoyed your post and it reminds me o...Hi Eric, <br /><br />I enjoyed your post and it reminds me of the dialogue/debate charts some instructors use: http://uucboulder.org/sm/dialogue.html<br />Paul SAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com