Friday, February 6, 2009

44 Mostly Dishonest Answers to Impertinent Questions

For awhile now, there’s been this list of 44 questions going around on Facebook. The other day I decided to put up my answers on my Facebook page—but with a twist. I now post the outcome here, even though it has almost nothing to do with the philosophy of religion. Read at your peril.

Below are my answers to the 44 questions going around on Facebook. 6 are true. The rest are lies. A prize (from the dollar store) will go to whoever can correctly identify all of (and only) the honest answers.

(Blog readers: The contest has already run its course on Facebook, but if you care to post your guesses, anyone who gets it right will receive the intangible and inestimable reward of being right.)

1. Do you like blue cheese? Only if it’s totally blue. I mean, what’s the point in eating “blue” cheese if it’s mostly white with the occasional ribbon of green mold running through it? It’s like your eating a lie.
2. Have you ever been drunk? Um…once. Years and years ago.
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? I love them all, better than scotch.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Only when there’s drug testing involved.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think of them often, usually when I’m in bed at night, just before falling asleep. And then I dream about them.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Magic Gift of the Snowman. It’s also my son’s favorite. He’s replayed it so many times (and not just during the Christmas season) that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it, especially the musical number in which the children are lulled to sleep by a chorus of singing cockroaches.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Blood, but preferably BEFORE sunrise.
9. Can you do push ups? Yes.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? When I earned my PhD, my father gave me his PhD ring (Norwegian PhD’s are given them upon completion of their degree). I wear it on my right hand every day.
11. Favorite hobby? Noodling. This is an Oklahoma pasttime that I just fell in love with when I moved here. It involves catching catfish by waggling your fingers in a streambed until the fish chomps down.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? No, but I do have S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T.
13. What's your favorite shoe? At night, when everyone is asleep, I slip into my wife’s closet and fish out those glittery high heels she used to wear before we were married. I bring them to bed with me. I set the alarm early so that I can return them to the closet before my wife wakes up.
14. Middle name? Humperdink
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Dental hygiene is important for overall health, especially as you get older; my wife is hot; I hate doing footnoting. (Note: this one is a giveaway. I couldn’t have written down these thoughts without having them at the moment that I was writing them down. Hence, this MUST be one of the true answers. Good luck identifying the remaining five)
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Scotch, Wine, Coffee
17. Current worry? Will anyone show up for my Tulsa book signing this Sunday now that the campus ministry person at Tulsa University that I was counting on to invite all her Facebook friends is down with Scarlet Fever?
18. Current hate right now? The fact that every one of these prompts ends with a question mark, even when it’s not a question.
20. How did you bring in the New Year? Hula dancing with two men, both of whom were wearing coconuts on their chests.
21. Where would you like to go? Back to the tiered tea fields in the foothills of the Himalayas, which I passed on the way to and from Darjeeling when I was 19.
22. Name three people who will complete this? You mean complete READING THIS? Nobody. It’s way too tiresome.
23. Do you own slippers? Several pairs: A boring blue pair, a moccasin-style pair, a pair shaped like ducks, and a pair of fuzzy monster feet.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? I’m writing this bare-chested.
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? Yes, but only when the Satin is capitalized. Lower-case satin has never really done it for me.
26. Can you whistle? Interestingly, I’m only able to whistle the Hawaii 5-O theme music. Anything else, and it comes out sounding like an anemic whine.
27. Favorite color? Red…no, green…AAAAAAAHHHH!
28. Would you be a pirate? It is my secret dream that the current “Captain Feathersword” will suffer the same fate as the former yellow Wiggle (Greg) and that I will be chosen to replace him with a new and slightly edgier character, Captain Chainsaw, thereby positioning me to finally be able to…take care of…Dorothy the Dinosaur.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Usually rap, but sometimes 18th Century French drinking songs.
30. Favorite girl's Name? Brunhilda
31. Favorite boy's name? Brunhild
32. What's in your pocket right now? One yellow piece of Styrofoam, a pink children’s sock, two black buttons, a nickel, and a handkerchief most recently used to wipe the slobber from my dog’s jowls.
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My response to #32.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? The dracula sheets.
35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? The fatal injury that I sustained when the vampire bit my neck. But it has since proven to be…well, I suppose “blessing” would be the wrong word.
36. Do you love where you live? “Love” is too mild to describe the rapture I feel when I reflect on the town of Stillwater, OK.
38. Who is your loudest friend?That would be either Tim or Mary.
39. How many dogs do you have? I HAVE no dogs. There are two dogs living in my house right now. Their names are Cujo and Flipper. Cujo is a dachsund.
40. Does someone have a crush on you? Hmm…hope so.
41. What is your favorite book? It’s a tie between Hal Lindsey’s classic, SATAN IS ALIVE AND WELL ON PLANET EARTH, and Richard Dawkins’ flawless exercise in the philosophy of religion, THE GOD DELUSION.
42. What is your favorite candy? John
43. Favorite Sports Team? The Oklahoma State Cowboys
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? The Debbie Boone recording of “You Light up My Life.”

One final thing: When I indicated the number of honest answers, that was one of the lies.

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