Brit Hume Causes Controversy with Suggestion that Pat Robertson Convert to Christianity

For those of you who may not have caught it, this following bit of faux news may be of interest. Please note that, while wholly fabricated by a blogger who will remain unnamed, this news item is, nevertheless, deeply true.

This morning on Fox News, commentator Brit Hume sparked something of a firestorm by suggesting on the air that televangelist Pat Robertson convert to Christianity. “From what I understand, in terms of religious beliefs, Robertson ascribes to Stupid-A** Fundamentalism,” Hume remarked. “But I don’t think Stupid A** Fundamentalism offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith.”

Hume went on to catalogue an array of offenses that, in Hume’s words, “can be directly attributed to the core doctrines of Stupid-A** Fundamentalism”—such offenses as his “total” agreement with Jerry Falwell’s view that the 9/11 attacks could be blamed on pagans, abortionists, feminists, and gays, and his more recent insinuation that the devastating earthquake in Haiti could be attributing to a legendary “pact with the devil” made by Haitian slaves revolting against Imperial France.

“These offenses have all the hallmarks of Stupid-A** Fundamentalism,” Hume said. “First of all, they’re stupid. Second, they’re the kinds of things that only an a**hole would say.”

The newest Fox commentator, Sarah Palin, was incensed by Hume’s remarks. “Our country was founded by Stupid A** Fundamentalists,” she retorted. “It was built on the values of men like Robertson. And to be quite frank, I thought this news station is supposed to serve as a bastion in the defense of Stupid A** Fundamentalist precepts. That’s why I came on board, and to have you mouthing off against my faith in this venue is simply intolerable.”

But Hume was undaunted by Palin’s outburst. “My remark is really more about the resources that Christianity can offer to people like Robertson. Even if we don’t blame his Stupid A** Fundamentalism for all of these scandalous remarks and behaviors, it’s pretty clear that it hasn’t helped him. If he’d only convert to Christianity, he wouldn’t keep making such stupid a** comments. Plus, people might forgive him for being such an a**hole in the past.”

“That’s what Christianity is about,” Hume went on to say. “Grace and forgiveness and compassion. This business of God holding the great-great grandchildren of oppressed slaves accountable for desperate choices they may or may not have actually made in response to imperialist oppression, and therefore laying waste to a whole nation of mostly Catholic and Pentacostal Christians—well, it’s about as unchristian as anything can get. So my message to Robertson would be, ‘Pat, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'”