Thursday, December 5, 2013

War on Christmas Naming Contest

With the War on Christmas once again upon us, I know that many brave warriors fighting in defense of this important holiday will be exhausted from their heroic efforts. Bone weary from their attempt to save all that is right and true from the deadly and remorseless assault of the "Happy Holidays" crowd, they may need a bit of a break.

But here's the problem: When you're caught up in a struggle of such magnitude, it can be hard to think about other things. Sometimes the best you can do is address the struggle from a different angle, one which doesn't drain you quite as much as the actual battle in the trenches.

Hence this War on Christmas Naming Contest.

Here's the idea: In recent years, American wars have been given names that reflect the true spirit of the conflict--names such as "Operation Desert Storm" and "Operation Iraqi Freedom" (just to name the ones featuring Saddam Hussein as the bad guy). I think the War on Christmas deserves the same kind of honor.

But what do we call it? My first thought was something like the following: Scattered-attempts-by-protesters-who-don't-matter-to-adjust-the-trajectory-of-the-Christmas-juggernaut-with-nothing-but-styrofoam-peanuts-while-the-season's-heroic-defenders-rage-against-the-audacity-of-it-as-the-peanuts-bounce-off-the-armored-sides-and-the-juggernaut's-wheels-grind-with-a-satisfying-crunch-through-the-keepsakes-that-the-protesters-were-trying-to-protect."


But I decided this was a bit too long. And the acronym was a bit hard to pronounce.

So I thought I'd see if anyone had a better suggestion.

Contest rules:

1. You may enter as many times as you like, unless your entries are boring.
2. While your entry needn't include the words "styrofoam peanuts," you get bonus points for working them in.
3. The contest deadline is whenever I randomly decide to end it. Late entries will be disqualified unless they're really good.
4. All entries must be submitted either as comments on this post or written in glitter glue on your bathroom mirror, photographed, and then sent to the North Pole (Santa has agreed to drop them in my Christmas stocking when he makes his rounds). However, if you submit through the latter mechanism, your entry will be disqualified if I decide to end the contest before Christmas Day. Unless it's really good.
5. Winners will be notified via blog comment. The prize for first place is the honor of being declared the first place winner. Other winners and honorable mentions earn the right to post comments on my blog for free (a right everyone else has, too, but didn't earn).


  1. Operation fulminating mangeritis

  2. I like the long acronym! Shorter is overrated.

  3. Operation Thin Wacko.

    It obviously stands for "THere Is No War Against Christmas (I) Know Of". This will confuse the enemy.

  4. Operation YOLO (or do you?)