I want to have productive conversations about gun violence in this country, in part because I want my children to be safe and healthy and alive--and if we just shout at each other every time there's another mass shooting, we won't be able to take the steps that it makes sense to take.
When I first started seriously wrestling with this issue in the wake of Sandy Hook, I discovered that many of my own thoughts on guns were deeply naive and based on misunderstandings. This is not surprising. I grew up in a family that would never even consider owning a gun. I have not only never fired a gun but I have never physically handled a functional gun. I have absolutely no interest in ever doing so. But living for close to two decades in Oklahoma, I am immersed in a gun culture where gun ownership is routine and living without guns is as unthinkable to many as possessing one is to me.
I learned that as someone who has never physically touched a gun, I am understandably ignorant about them. I've made some effort to overcome this ignorance on a theoretical level (I now know, for example, that a semi-automatic AR-15 is not functionally very different from a standard hunting rifle), but I can imagine very few conditions under which I would be willing to actually touch a real gun. To me, they are symbolically bound up with human death in a way that makes the very thought of touching one fill me with nausea. And each new mass shooting--especially when the victims are children--only increases my aversion.
But guns are tools. They have legitimate uses. Some people use them to hunt, and the traditions of hunting give meaning across generations. Some find legitimate pleasure in target shooting, testing and improving their marksmanship in competitive sports. While I think the protective power of guns in private hands is overrated compared to other ways of staying safe--good locks on your doors, cultivating strategies of nonviolent conflict resolution, affirming the dignity and humanity of everyone you meet--there are occasions when a gun in the right hands could save lives.
And there are occasions when a gun in the wrong hands could turn vibrant young adults with their futures ahead of them into corpses. And while a culture that treats guns with respect, as tools that should be used with due care, has value, there exist subcultures that seem to fetishize guns in a way that is almost pornographic--subcultures that take twisted pleasure in the very things that make me nauseous.
We need to have honest conversations that distinguish between law-abiding users and those who would do violence, between a culture in which guns are a dangerous tool to be treated with caution and respect and a culture in which guns become a focus for feeding unhealthy and dangerous psychological urges. We need to make distinctions so that we can make changes--changes that keep us and those we love safer but respect our diverse heritages and traditions and experiences.
How can we have these conversations? What steps can we take to open ourselves up and have meaningful, productive dialogue with people whose views on guns are very different from our own?
I would discourage any answers that are only about how "they" have to change, how "they" are too unreasonable to talk to. What can "we" do to open up conversations in ways that inspire reasonableness and honesty and, hopefully, progress?
Showing posts with label conflict resolution. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict resolution. Show all posts
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Twelve Steps to Maximizing Hostility and Bitterness in Your Relationships
While going through some old papers over the weekend, I found a handout that I created years ago when I was regularly leading confict resolution workshops. While much of the substance of the handout sprang from my experiences facilitating Alternatives to Violence Project workshops (mostly in the women's prison in Washington State), I'm pretty sure (based on some of the language choices) that I wrote it not long after attending one of Marshall Rosenberg's workshops on Nonviolent Communication. In any event, the contents of the handout actually struck me as closely related to issues recently touched on in this blog--"moral one-upmanship," self-compassion, even religion as a "bifurcated essentially contested concept" and Pat Buchanan's defense of Norway's homegrown terrorist. In short, it seemed like something worth sharing here.
And so, without further ado, here they are...
Twelve Steps to Maximizing Hostility and Bitterness in Your Relationships.
To ensure that all your interpersonal conflicts end with as much bitterness, hostility, and resentment as possible--and, hopefully, culminate in some form of violence, even if only psychological--it is important to take appropriate steps. The following twelve steps have proved especially effective in making relationships as polarized and hostile as possible. For maximum effectiveness, it is important to follow as many of them as you can not only when you confront actual conflicts, but when you worry that you might.
1. Remember that in every conflict there must be a WINNER and a LOSER. It is crucial that you be the winner. While you may not always be able to think of the other party in the conflict as your enemy, it is essential that you at least think of them as an opponent. You and your opponent are in a zero sum contest (like football) where every loss for them is a gain for you, and the important thing is to win. Thus, if you can find out what they need and make sure they don't get it, they become losers and you win. Winning won't necessarily make you happy, but at least you're not a loser.
2. Insist that PEOPLE ARE THE PROBLEM. When a problem exists, try to find out who is to blame. Since they're the problem, the only way to solve the problem is to knock them out of the way or beat them into submission (which can be just as invigorating even if the beating is purely psychological).
3. Put LABELS on people. When others are doing something you don't like, decide what kind of person that makes them: a liar, a coward, an idiot, a jerk, an irresponsible wastrel, etc. That way, you know what they are and how to handle them. You cannot expect them to change their behavior, since they are the kind of people who do that sort of thing. If you can't avoid them, you'll have to rely on manipulation, threats, and violence to control them. (Bonus: You can really magnify the effectiveness of this technique if you apply it not only to other people but to yourself).
4. PSYCHOANALYZE people and let them know how screwed up they are. When in conflict with someone, try to figure out what's wrong with them. Are they suffering the effects of childhood trauma? Are they anal retentive? Are they just plain stupid? Let them know your findings, starting with phrases like, "You know what your problem is?" or "You know what you need?" Explain how they can change their lives to become better people. If this technique does generate advice for improvement, it is important that it be focused entirely on others. The technique can, however, be effectively turned on oneself if it aims purely at producing more sophisticated labels (see #3 above).
5. Always REASON WITH PEOPLE to show them that they're wrong. When you disagree with someone else, this means that they're wrong. You need to set them straight, ideally by giving them a lecture where you prove to them that you're right and they're misguided. If this doesn't change their behavior, they are the kind of people who just don't listen to reason. And we all know what you need to do with people like that.
6. Get people to do what you want through MANIPULATION and CONTROL. The important thing is that people do what you want them to do. Their motives for doing it are secondary. If you honestly share with them your needs and make requests to have your needs met, you risk being hurt. Don't give up control in this way. Instead, threaten some kind of punishment if they don't do what you want, or offer a reward if they do. Try to shame or guilt-trip them into doing it. Make them believe that they have to do it whether they like it or not.
7. Use expressions such as ALWAYS and NEVER. When another person's behavior hurts you, it is important that they realize the severity of their crime. So point out that they always act in the hurtful way, or that they never act in ways more supportive of your needs. This way, they realize that it's not just a specific behavior they have to change; it's their whole lives. If they feel overwhelmed, tell them to grow up.
8. Use expressions such as "CAN'T" and "HAVE TO." Always keep in mind that you don't actually have choices. The reason you act as you do isn't because the behavior promotes what you value. Rather, you act as you do because you have to. Since you have no choice, you aren't responsible for what you do. When others don't do what they have to do, try to make them do it by convincing them they have no choice. If they still don't do it, blame them. They are responsible.
9. When someone criticizes you, become either DEFENSIVE or GUILTY. If another person criticizes you, then one of you has to be in the wrong. In order to avoid being the one who's labeled as wrong, defend yourself against the criticism by showing how it's the other person's fault (explain how they started it or do the same thing, or tell them that they "asked for it"). If you cannot do this successfully, then you must be the one who's in the wrong. Feel guilty and beat yourself up. The experience will motivate you in the future to be more aggressive in your defensiveness.
10. Keep in mind that you are not responsible for your feelings; OTHERS CAUSE THEM. When upset, angry, or afraid, look for who is causing you to feel that way. Blame them. Focus on changing them so that they stop making you feel bad. After all, you cannot change yourself since your feelings are caused by others. You have far more control over what happens to other people, so direct your energies there.
11. Live in the PAST rather than the PRESENT. If others' actions in the past have hurt you, dwell on that. Constantly remind them about it, and base your present treatment of them entirely on these past actions. After all, their past actions prove what kind of people they are (see #3). Since they can't change the past, there is nothing they can do to change your view of them or your treatment of them. They are helpless. You have all the power, which means you're more likely to win (see #1).
12. Be MORALISTIC rather than MORAL. The most important use for moral principles and values is not as a guide for making personal choices ("being moral"), but as a tool for judging others ("being moralistic"). Use your principles and values for the latter purpose exclusively. If others don't measure up to your values and principles, it's clearly because they don't care about right and wrong. They are bad people. Since all the problems in the world are caused by bad people (see #2), a morally good world will magically spring up around you as soon as you get rid of the bad people.
And so, without further ado, here they are...
Twelve Steps to Maximizing Hostility and Bitterness in Your Relationships.
To ensure that all your interpersonal conflicts end with as much bitterness, hostility, and resentment as possible--and, hopefully, culminate in some form of violence, even if only psychological--it is important to take appropriate steps. The following twelve steps have proved especially effective in making relationships as polarized and hostile as possible. For maximum effectiveness, it is important to follow as many of them as you can not only when you confront actual conflicts, but when you worry that you might.
1. Remember that in every conflict there must be a WINNER and a LOSER. It is crucial that you be the winner. While you may not always be able to think of the other party in the conflict as your enemy, it is essential that you at least think of them as an opponent. You and your opponent are in a zero sum contest (like football) where every loss for them is a gain for you, and the important thing is to win. Thus, if you can find out what they need and make sure they don't get it, they become losers and you win. Winning won't necessarily make you happy, but at least you're not a loser.
2. Insist that PEOPLE ARE THE PROBLEM. When a problem exists, try to find out who is to blame. Since they're the problem, the only way to solve the problem is to knock them out of the way or beat them into submission (which can be just as invigorating even if the beating is purely psychological).
3. Put LABELS on people. When others are doing something you don't like, decide what kind of person that makes them: a liar, a coward, an idiot, a jerk, an irresponsible wastrel, etc. That way, you know what they are and how to handle them. You cannot expect them to change their behavior, since they are the kind of people who do that sort of thing. If you can't avoid them, you'll have to rely on manipulation, threats, and violence to control them. (Bonus: You can really magnify the effectiveness of this technique if you apply it not only to other people but to yourself).
4. PSYCHOANALYZE people and let them know how screwed up they are. When in conflict with someone, try to figure out what's wrong with them. Are they suffering the effects of childhood trauma? Are they anal retentive? Are they just plain stupid? Let them know your findings, starting with phrases like, "You know what your problem is?" or "You know what you need?" Explain how they can change their lives to become better people. If this technique does generate advice for improvement, it is important that it be focused entirely on others. The technique can, however, be effectively turned on oneself if it aims purely at producing more sophisticated labels (see #3 above).
5. Always REASON WITH PEOPLE to show them that they're wrong. When you disagree with someone else, this means that they're wrong. You need to set them straight, ideally by giving them a lecture where you prove to them that you're right and they're misguided. If this doesn't change their behavior, they are the kind of people who just don't listen to reason. And we all know what you need to do with people like that.
6. Get people to do what you want through MANIPULATION and CONTROL. The important thing is that people do what you want them to do. Their motives for doing it are secondary. If you honestly share with them your needs and make requests to have your needs met, you risk being hurt. Don't give up control in this way. Instead, threaten some kind of punishment if they don't do what you want, or offer a reward if they do. Try to shame or guilt-trip them into doing it. Make them believe that they have to do it whether they like it or not.
7. Use expressions such as ALWAYS and NEVER. When another person's behavior hurts you, it is important that they realize the severity of their crime. So point out that they always act in the hurtful way, or that they never act in ways more supportive of your needs. This way, they realize that it's not just a specific behavior they have to change; it's their whole lives. If they feel overwhelmed, tell them to grow up.
8. Use expressions such as "CAN'T" and "HAVE TO." Always keep in mind that you don't actually have choices. The reason you act as you do isn't because the behavior promotes what you value. Rather, you act as you do because you have to. Since you have no choice, you aren't responsible for what you do. When others don't do what they have to do, try to make them do it by convincing them they have no choice. If they still don't do it, blame them. They are responsible.
9. When someone criticizes you, become either DEFENSIVE or GUILTY. If another person criticizes you, then one of you has to be in the wrong. In order to avoid being the one who's labeled as wrong, defend yourself against the criticism by showing how it's the other person's fault (explain how they started it or do the same thing, or tell them that they "asked for it"). If you cannot do this successfully, then you must be the one who's in the wrong. Feel guilty and beat yourself up. The experience will motivate you in the future to be more aggressive in your defensiveness.
10. Keep in mind that you are not responsible for your feelings; OTHERS CAUSE THEM. When upset, angry, or afraid, look for who is causing you to feel that way. Blame them. Focus on changing them so that they stop making you feel bad. After all, you cannot change yourself since your feelings are caused by others. You have far more control over what happens to other people, so direct your energies there.
11. Live in the PAST rather than the PRESENT. If others' actions in the past have hurt you, dwell on that. Constantly remind them about it, and base your present treatment of them entirely on these past actions. After all, their past actions prove what kind of people they are (see #3). Since they can't change the past, there is nothing they can do to change your view of them or your treatment of them. They are helpless. You have all the power, which means you're more likely to win (see #1).
12. Be MORALISTIC rather than MORAL. The most important use for moral principles and values is not as a guide for making personal choices ("being moral"), but as a tool for judging others ("being moralistic"). Use your principles and values for the latter purpose exclusively. If others don't measure up to your values and principles, it's clearly because they don't care about right and wrong. They are bad people. Since all the problems in the world are caused by bad people (see #2), a morally good world will magically spring up around you as soon as you get rid of the bad people.
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